I feel like I could burn the world down with the rage that is contained in just the minute amount of skin that I exfoliate off of my face every day.
That is… if I still had a facial regimen that I stuck to.
…If I still washed my face every day.
Needless to say, the rest of me has enough rage to consume a few galaxies and possibly our only chance at first contact. Sorry, y’all. My rage ate ET.
It just all feels so unfair. It’s unfair that I’m typing this from my living room floor, where I now sleep, because my disc in my back has decided to send some good ole nerve pain down my legs if I decide to get crazy and live the luxurious life of a bed sleeper. It’s unfair that other people get to travel, have jobs, go out with friends, have weekend plans. I am not even exaggerating, my boyfriend is a witness to this… I wanted to toss a pair of bicyclists into the bilgy bay water because they dared to talk about their fun plans whilst cycling past me with their healthy bodies and then they… GASP… laughed while in my presence.
I realize that these are all things that people do. I realize that I am in a bad place and I am reacting in a manner that I don’t wish to. But it is so hard to watch everyone around me living while I am left behind. To see all these people thriving and getting so much while I am barely surviving.
I am furious that the world continues on while I am stuck in a depressive pit of pain.
Luckily, I am not completely shut off to my emotions and what goes on with me, and I noticed my rage before I started lighting fires in sleep fugue states. I traced it on down and apparently, I’m going through a grief cycle again. I have gone through these before, having had my life yanked out from under me more than once by my health. Luckily, this time, I have the help of a really amazing therapist.
When I asked her how to not burn the world down with me and my rage, she told me I have to just feel the rage. Which sucks. That’s not the answer I wanted, nor that most people want. I think, going to therapy, I sometimes expect some wise, unrealistic answer. Like, I’m feeling rage… what do I do? And my therapist will hand me a worksheet that will take it all away if I can answer all the questions correctly. Or if I read enough books then I can think my way out of it. But, unfortunately, feelings don’t work that way. And this rage is begging to be felt.
So, here we go. The radical acceptance attempt to navigate my way through grief:
I am furious at the unfairness that is my life. I am furious that I have been dealt this hand, and that every time I pick myself back up and fight a new condition off, something else happens. I am livid that no matter what I do, I can’t change reality. I hate that I have to watch other people living happy lives while I suffer. I hate that I feel this way. It feels like the anger steals who I am and who I want to be. It takes over my moral values and makes me into someone I don’t want to be, but it’s so overwhelming, I don’t know how to not feel it.
Overall lesson to be learned from this? Radical acceptance is dambed hard. It takes time and doesn’t stick the first time you try it. I’m fairly certain this will be driving me insane for a long while and I’m going to just have crazy eyes for quite some time. But hopefully, with enough will and application, it will start to help.
Are any of you going through a grief stage right now? What are you using to work through it?(It’s cool if you’re also walking around with over-sized sunglasses to hide the shade you’re tossing at people while in the ‘roided-out rage stage. I fully support this look and think we should start a site where we nominate best shades for shade tossing days. Just a thought. Once you come out of the rage cycle and move onto a more healthy emotion— because thanks to Brene Brown, we know that anger is a transitory emotion and not an end state— then you’ll have a killer arsenal of sunglasses for summer or migraine days).
Okay, glad we’ve covered all the feelings.
Now, onto the art.
I discovered I couldn’t make anything pretty and colorful today with my art. Apparently, not sleeping while attempting to sleep on the floor does not put me in a cheery mood that is conducive to bright watercolors. Only dark things were coming out. I sketched this angler fish with a little water demon on the way to and from my doctor’s appointment. I love the creatures that live in the aphotic zone of the ocean, also called the Twilight Zone. It fascinates me to see how they have adapted to darkness and pressure. Though they may not be conventionally beautiful, they are uncanny and have some insane survival tactics. I think there’s something to be said for that.
I’m quite happy with it. It’s the first time I’ve attempted a sketch without using anything like a photo or life object for reference, so I feel good about it. It also made me feel good that even though today was a horrid day and I felt like nothing net positive came from it, I still created something. I made this badass fish and cool ass water demon with nothing more than a pencil, paper, and my own mind. I think that’s something to be proud of. I know Bob Ross is doing an epic happy dance for me in heaven right about now.
Today was hard, but this made me feel better. Having this blog helps too. I hope to see some of your guys’ art soon, to see what comes out when you’re needing something to make you feel better on the days when nothing else is helping. Still hoping that between this blog, a sea of paint and graphite, and some professional medical help, that things will start to look brighter for me soon. I look forward to sharing this journey with you all and hearing about your journeys as well.